Welcome to My Life
by lilykinz200
Summary: What the hell happened to make me get into the situation of being an Immortal, a Best Friend, a Super Hero, a Drug Addict, a Homeless Drunk, a Prostitute, a guy in a Boy-Band, a Husband, a Dad, and just plain old me? -Kenny- T for now... may change.
1. Chapter 1

Intro

I over think things. All the time. It's just something about me. Something that people didn't bother to ask about. I guess it's somewhat obvious from how I'm always looking off into a distance, and have to get shaken back into reality.

When I'm thinking my over-complicated thoughts, I sometimes think of things that make sense. Ideas that might actually make sense to a normal person too. Hah. Normal. That's a laugh.

Normal is boring. I don't want to be some normal boring prick like Craig Tucker who doesn't do shit with his life. Okay, so yeah, Craig is one of my friends. But he's still boring as shit.

But being as fucked up as me isn't fun either. Actually, no. Occasionally it's fun to be as screwed up as me. But most of the time it's just my stupid-ass life with my stupid-ass problems and my stupid-ass family. Did I mention they're stupid? And asswholes?

Except for Karen. She's different, in a good way. But I made sure she got out of our personal piece of hell. She lives with some foster family in Denver, where I know she's safe. But me? I'm still screwed with my life here in South Park.

My mom has had an utter hatred for me since I got Karen out. Dad is too drunk to notice anything most of the time, and when he's not he's just trying to do odd jobs for cash. Kevin's a douche, but he does my piercings and gets me cigarettes so I don't 100% hate him. But he still gets wasted and argues with Mom&Dad so he's still a douche.

So yeah, life is full of Asswholes. Especially my life. But there are a few nice people I call my "Friends". Those people are Craig, Clyde, Stan, Bebe, and Wendy. Sometimes Ike and Ruby when they aren't off having WAY underage sex.

Occasionally my old group will get back together, but Kyle and Stan have been in a fight since the end of 8th grade. Shockingly, Kyle's new best friend was fricken Butters. Yeah, Butters. And Cartman was pretty up there in his list of friends. That shocked/disgusted me.

People obviously aren't the same. But my life is pretty damn similar; I just do more drugs and have more sex. But besides that I'm the same old Kenny I've always been.

Wow.

I just realized how full of shit I am.

Kenny McCormick is most certainly not the same for a few reasons. A few reasons that I, 25-year-old Kenny, am able to tell with some detail.

So listen in to see what the hell happened to make me, Me.

This is the story of Kenny McCormick.

From South Park, Colorado,

United States of America,

North America,

Western Hemisphere,

Planet Earth,

Milky Way,

The Galaxy.

A/N

A collection of one shots that, when put together; make up Kenny's life.

Anyone interested in this? Reviews maybe?


	2. Immortal

Immortal

Ever since I died that first time, when Santa and Jesus were having some bitch fight, I've known I wasn't normal. Hell. Everyone in South Park is abnormal in some way. But I have an abnormality that even if I lived outside of this town, I'd still have.

An abnormality called immortality.

Whenever I tried to explain it to people, they thought I was batshit crazy. So I'd kill myself to prove it, and they'd have no idea what I was talking about once I came back.

But he was different. He, even though there was a lack of proof, believed me. I remember the night I told him.

We were 16 I think. Maybe 17. Well, we still in high school. But anyways, I had been hanging out behind the school with the Goths, since that was the best place to smoke. Henrietta and her Goth-bitchiness was annoying me to the point I wanted to leave. But when I finally stood up, I bumped into a guy.

I had knocked him over, and when I bent over to help him up, I saw who it was.

"Hey Butters" I smiled sheepishly at the blonde with the big Blue eyes when e struggled to get off his ass.

"Kenny, why're you hangin' with the faggy Goth kids?" He stood up and brushed the dirt off his pants.

"Best place to smoke. Want one?" I held out my pack of cheap cigarettes I took from Kevin.

"No thanks Ken." He said quietly. He stared uneasily at the pack and I put it away. He stood awkwardly looking at me and the people clad in black. Craig Tucker was back there too, but he was texting and ignoring everyone else.

"Do you wanna get outta here?" I smirked at the smaller guy. He sighed in relief.

"That'd be nice" He grinned and started to walk away, with me on his tail.

"If you guys make out, tell me about it tomorrow Kenny" I heard Henrietta mutter sarcastically. For some reason, she has always thought homos were hot.

Butters just laughed and kept walking. I kept walking with him. We walked all the way from behind the school to his house. I don't even know why we went to his house, I wasn't planning on it. But anywhere was better than my house.

"Butters! Did you bring that Bebe girl here again?" I heard Stephen Stotch yell from upstairs, once we were in the house.

"No Dad. It's Kenny!" Butters started to run up the stairs and I, not knowing what else to do, followed him. His dad didn't respond to that, maybe just glad his son was hanging out with a guy.

I followed Butters all the way to his room. It was... Different than the last time I had seen it. It was a dark purple color now, with posters ranging from Justin Bieber to Blood on the Dance Floor.

Butters went to sit on his bed, where his binder from school was laid out with several books. They looked like teen drama novels. Pretty Little Liars and The Clique. Oh God.

"So, you hang out with Bebe?" I looked at him questioningly. "I thought Kyle was your best friend?" Butters just smiled at me.

"Kyle is a good friend, but he has yet to call anyone his best friend since... Stan." We all could remember the fighting that broke out between the best friends.

"Bebe and I have a weird friendship..." He looked off at one of the teen pop star posters. Selena Gomez it said in pink glittery cursive.

"Please tell me those posters are hers?" I looked at the whole wall of Disney puke.

"She put all the posters up." He looked around thoughtfully at the walls covered with people.

"Even those ones?" I pointed to an old BOTDF poster, which was next to a My Chemical Romance poster, and a black one that just said "Fuck It All".

"Yup." He smiled a wide grin.

"Nice. But why Bebe?" By that point I had sat down on his bed next to him, relaxing.

"Well, she discovered one of my secrets..." he trailed off and looked towards his closet.

"What secret?" I sounded like an excited little girl who just found out about some new wonder-Barbie.

"It's kinda private Ken." Butters looked all embarrassed.

"I'll tell you my Secret." I blurted out without even thinking. But I knew exactly what secret I was thinking of.

"Well... Okay. What's your secret?" Butters looked at me with expectant eyes. I hoped my secret wouldn't disappoint him.

"I Can't Die." I expected him to call me crazy. Say "Don't be silly Ken". Tell me to stop fooling around.

"I thought so." He said and looked at me intently.

"You... You believe me?" I couldn't hide the shock from my face.

"Well yeah Kenny. I remember when you were Mysterion how you tried to tell Stan you couldn't die, you shot yourself in the head, and then you came back? I thought I'd imagined it since no one else remembered..." I hugged the boy right then and there. I almost started crying because I was so happy.

"You don't know how long I've waited for someone to remember" I snuffled through the words, still holding the other blonde tightly.

"I'm glad your so happy Ken. But now I need to tell you my secret." Butters pulled away from my embrace and walked over to his closet. He opened it, grabbed a box, and sighed heavily. He opened the box and grabbed some article of clothing and a bag. He plopped them on the bed.

They were a dress and I wasn't sure what was in the bag. He opened it so I could see the long, blonde wig inside.

"I cross dress." Butters said and grabbed more things from his closet. Make-up, purses, bras, high heels, everything you'd expect from Bebe's closet- not Butters'.

"Bebe saw me in some club in Denver and thought I was hot. Turns out she likes girls and boys. But anyways she brought me back to her house her thinking I was a girl, and she recognized me before we did anything. She thought it was cool what I did and now she comes over and we go out together and she dressed me up and PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE!" Butters blurted all of it out so fast and mashed together I didn't understand all of it. But I was undoubtedly shocked. He wasn't crying, but he was sniffling a little bit.

"I'm not gonna tell anyone. Don't worry." I put my arm around him.

"Don't Judge me..." Butters whispered.

"I wouldn't think of it." I smiled and just held him there for a long, long while.

A/N

So how's that? One shot number one of some amount. Not quite Bunny, more Butters X Kenny friendship. There will be various pairings in these one shots, all involving KENNY3


	3. Best Friend 1

Best Friend 1

Friends are important, and I eventually learned how to be a pretty fucking decent one. And when you have friends like mine, you gotta learn to be there for one another. In my various journeys to becoming a good friend, I also learned how to be a best friend. That one person you need and know will be there for you. Makes me think of this one time a few years ago.

It was probably just after senior year ended, we were all finally done with South Park High, and glad about it. At that point, I hadn't really hung out with my 'old gang' for a long time. By my old gang, I mean Kyle, Cartman, Stan and I. I stilly hung out with Kyle and Stan separately, but since their fight they couldn't stand being near each other. And Cartman? He was friends with Kyle (Still very shocking) but not really Stan, and kind of Me I guess. Actually, I hate that asswhole most of the time, but he was occasionally tolerable.

Anyways, so this one time I had gone to some club with Stan, and we ran into Cartman and Kyle there.

"Dude, I don't want to." Stan whispered into my ear.

"Oh, you Soooo don't have a choice." I smirked and grabbed his hand. I led him over to the Less Fat, but still fairly Fat, Fat-Ass and the Ginger Jersey Jew.

"Hey Guys" I smiled and dragged Stan into view. Kyle just stared at me blankly and Cartman started to chuckle.

"Wow, we just thought it was the two of you!" Cartman smiled. Which was weird, he usually only smiled at the pain/misfortune of others. (Especially Jews and the Poor)

"Can we sit?" I pulled up a chair to their little table.

"Fine." Kyle huffed. Stan brought over a chair for himself.

"So what up Jew Boy?" I spoke in a happy-mocking way, rather than the Cartman I'm-using-'Jew'-as-an-insult way.

"Oh, Not much. I WAS having a good night, but appears that dream is over." Kyle can be such a pompous asswhole sometimes.

"Chill. Me being in the same room as you isn't going to ruin your night." Stan spoke angrily, his eyes all squinty.

"Correct. But you talking to me will."

"Oh shut up you fucking drama queen."

"Why don't you, you depressing fag!"

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH BROFLOVSKI!"

"Make me!"

At that point, the two of them started throwing punches at each other, while Cartman and I watched.

"I bet you five bucks Stan's gonna loose." Cartman spoke quietly so the two fighting wouldn't hear. I smiled and came up with a better response.

"I bet you ten they'll get split up by security before either'll win."

We shook on it. We have done this before.

"Holy Shit look at those fags fighting" Some random bitch yelled at the Jew/Hippie fight. That made Stan look away from the fight to glare at the chick.

She wore a lot of makeup and had long black shiny hair. It had a pink beret on top.

"Fuck yourself Wendy" Stan yelled and flipped her off, he'd been doing that a lot since they started hanging out with Craig.

In that moment, when he was staring at his Ex Girlfriend angrily, Kyle kicked Stan in the Balls.

God, the sound of pain Stan made was horrible. It hurt my ears.

"I Fucking Hate you" Stan managed to say as he stood up.

"Right back at ya faggot" Kyle spat in Stan's direction.

"Stop calling me that!" Stan glared, he was re-aligned.

"No." Kyle crossed his arms.

Stan started to attack again, then I was right, and some Security dudes came in and took out both of 'em.

Cartman and I followed them out where they were still fighting. More insults now than fists.

"Why are you such an Ass?"

"Why are you a Fag?"

"What does my sexuality have to do with ANY of this?"

"You know exactly why Asshat."

"Shut up Fuckface!".

"Why don't you, you douche-rocket." Kyle turned around and walked away at that, and ran to his car. He got in and drove away.

Stan did the same thing, Cept with MY car. He just drove off, leaving Cartman and I there at that stupid club.

"Dude, what just happened?" Cartman stared off in the direction of our rides.

"Both our rides left, And Stan's sexuality came into question."

Cartman sighed at my response.

"So how the hell do we get home?" He frowned.

"We Walk." I started the long walk back home.

"Fuck dude. I don't want to deal with Kyle's bitching tomorrow." Cartman rolled his eyes and started to walk with me.

"You guys are hanging out tomorrow?"

"Dude, he always hangs out with me"

"It's just weird, since you guys used to hate each other so much" I sighed.

"Yeah well... Things change"

"Are you guys fucking or something?" To me, that seemed to be the only logical answer.

"Dude!" Cartman just stared at me. But he didn't deny it...

"So you guys are?" I looked far too excited.

"No. No. No. No. I fucking wish" Cartman laughed at what he said.

"Wait, you want to?" I looked at him with wide eyes.

"Dude..." That meant yes to me.

"YOUR GAY?" I said probably too loudly, but we were all alone walking along some highway at 2 am. It didn't matter.

"Maybe. I don't know. There's just something about him." Cartman said this very honestly, which scare me.

"But he's a Jew and your Hitler! He's a Hippie and You're the Government! He's got Jersey in him, an you HATE JERSEY" I felt my analogies were awesomely accurate.

"Yeah well... It's never going to happen anyways. He's too in love with Stan."

"Really? Seemed to me like they wanna kill each other"

"Eh. I bet they're just fighting over who's gonna be Top"

I paused for a second.

"Dude, they've been fighting for years. I highly doubt that's the fight. Yet they still won't let anyone know details." I continued walking, since Fatass never stopped.

"Whatever."

So I guess I am the person for coming-out to. Which in many ways is a sigh of Friendship and Trust.

I must be a pretty damn good friend for CARTMAN to have trusted me like that.

A/N:

Here's another one! WOOHOO POOPYDOOPIEDO.


	4. Super Hero

Super Hero

WARNING: ATTEMPTED SELF- HARM

I have a little sister named Karen. Now a days, she's with some foster family far away from South Park. But years ago, she still lived at my family's stupid old shit-hole. I mean house. Actually, I mean shit-hole.

But anyways, Karen used to live there. And let me tell you she was the cutest little girl you ever saw. Big eyes, a cute smile, and the greatest imagination a kid could wish for.

Karen was always happy no matter what, even with our stupid family. When I was about 9 I had become a super hero named Mysterion for several reasons.

One reason was to stop Coon. Another to defeat Cthulu.

But the most important reason was to be there for Karen. I knew she needed me; I just had a brotherly instinct. But I knew when the time to get her out of South Park was. It was when I was probably 16. She was 12.

"Karen, come on." I grabbed the hand of my little sister gently. My gloved hand was in her gloved hand.

"Can I say goodbye to Ruby first?" Karen tugged at my hand and I released. She ran off towards another girl her age, Ruby Tucker, and hugged her friend. Ruby's older brother Craig was in my grade. At the time, I wasn't really friends with him yet. But I didn't disapprove.

"Karen. Can you please tell Kenny what Craig said?" I overheard the girls.

"Of course Ruby" She smiled and turned to head back to me.

Then I saw a kid I didn't recognize. Some tall (for a 12 year old) girl with orange-red hair and blue eyes. She was definitely in Karen's grade.

"Bitch, did you get me what I wanted?" I heard the rude ginger hiss at my sister.

"No Sarah. No. I'm not getting you weed!" Karen stomped her foot down. Angrily.

"You'll do whatever I tell you" The girl pushed my sister. She landed on Ruby, pushing both of them down.

"No!" Karen yelled and helped Ruby stand up.

"Maybe if I hurt your little girlfriend you'll listen to me" The bitch grabbed Ruby and was about to hit her.

That's when I realized I was just watching.

I ran forward and pulled the bigger girl away from petite little Ruby and my sister.

"Poor boy get out of my way." I heard that bitch tell me. I ignored her and grabbed the two girls by their hands.

"C'mon" I said and dragged em away from the angry bully.

Both girls latched onto my waist, Karen more than Ruby though.

"Kenny Thank you so much I thought we were gonna get killed!" Ruby spoke really fast, but with little emotion. But I knew she was scared.

Karen stayed quiet.

"Kenny, why didn't my Guardian Angel come?" She looked at me with her big blue eyes. I knew exactly who she was talking about.

Funny thing was, he did come. Just not in costume.

"Oh Karen stop it! Kenny is more of a hero than Mysterion. Mysterion hasn't been seen in years anyways." Ruby spoke. Evidently, Karen had shared the fact that Mysterion had come to comfort her several times. But Ruby was right; I hadn't dressed up to come visit her in quite some time.

"Kenny thank you again" Ruby looked up at me with a big smile. I smiled back.

"It's Nothing." I then turned to look at Karen.

"Now what did she say about weed?" Karen's eyes widened at my words.

She had the I-Can-Explain look on her face. I knew I had heard something about Weed.

"She knew Kevin and Dad smoked it and wanted me to get her some. That's it, I swear!" Karen had gotten very jittery when she spoke of our brother and our father. I understood why, they were damn scary.

"Calm down. Ruby, Do you want us to walk you home?" The girl nodded fast, her pigtails bobbing up and down.

"Let's go" I put a hand out to both girls and each took it gladly.

The walk to the Tucker household only took a few minutes, and Rub gave me a big hug goodbye. Craig nodded at me from inside the doorway, his own little 'thanks' for taking care of his sister.

Then Karen and I had to begin to walk to our house. Oh, how we dread that walk. We have to go through the semi-poor part of town and then the regular-poor part of town, where we lived.

As we approached the house, we could hear screaming. Kevin and Dad screaming curses at each other. My mom telling them both to "Shut your fucking mouths you drunk asswholes!". It was not a pleasant cacophony. I hated it and I knew Karen did to. I could tell from the look on her face. She looked nearly in tears.

I held her hand as I opened the door, its lock was broken. But it's not like we had anything worth stealing anyways.

"Dad why the fuck do you do this?"

I heard Kevin yell. He actually sounded almost sober for once.

"Because I fuckin do! And you will to you asswhole!" Dad was NOT Sober. Not at all. But that was typical.

"That's no Fucking excuse you lazy son of a bitch!"

"You bet your ass it is you ungrateful little shit!"

Karen and I just walked right through the room where everyone was yelling, straight up the stairs.

"Do you want to come to my room Karen? Or me to come to yours?" I stood in front of her door with her little hand still in mine.

"No Kenny. I'm fine," She said to me with a big fake smile. I nodded and headed toward my room.

Once I was in I knew what I had to do. I had to cheer up my little sister in the only way I knew I could for sure.

I opened my closet door and searched for the box marked with a large question mark. A green one.

I grabbed it and emptied its contents onto my bed. I grabbed each piece and suited up like I had done all the time years ago. When I pulled the dark purple hood over my head, and felt my mask in place, I knew I was once again Mysterion.

I jumped out my window and climbed towards Karen's. She never locked it, since she always wanted Mysterion to come back, so I could just slip right in.

I did just that. I saw the girl over in the corner of her room with a pair of scissors in her hand.

I looked to try and see what she was cutting, when I realized what was going on.

"Karen!" I yelled, using my Mysterion voice. She turned around and looked at me like a deer caught in headlights. She looked ashamed and scared and nervous and dropped the scissors right into the trashcan. Luckily, I saw no blood. I had been there just in time.

"Guardian Angel" She looked at me sadly.

"Why?" I walked up to her and grabbed her wrist.

"Why would you do this?" I shook her wrist almost angrily. I saw no scars, so it seemed this would have been the first. I still thank god I had come in when I did.

"Because I hate this! I hate my family except for Kenny. I hate school! I just want it to end!" She cried and then sat on her bed, full of tears. I stood next to her and put my arm around her.

"It's okay. It's okay" I tried to get her to stop. But her tears kept flowing.

"I just want a better life for Kenny and I" She managed to get out through her tears.

"Karen. I'm going to get you out of here. But there's one thing I need to tell you first" I sighed and looked at her.

"Whatever you want to say Mysterion"

"That's just it Karen" That's when I stopped using the voice.

"I'm Mysterion, but that's not the only person I am." Then I pulled down the hood and heard her gasp.

"Kenny!" She hugged me. I had almost expected her to be mad. Or disappointed. But no, she was ecstatic!

"Karen, we're getting you out of here." I told her. "You will have a better life"

A few weeks after that, I got her taken to a foster home somewhere safe, and away from this town. But she was close enough for me to go visit her every now and then. I was glad that even if it was on a small scale, I was able to be a super hero. Especially to one of the most important people in my life.

A/N:

Yeahp. Dunno where I got the idea for this one... Kinda came up with it as I went. But that's how I write a lot of the time. :)


	5. Drug Addict

Drug Addict

WARNING: DRUGS

^(Do I even have to say that? Idk... Just to be safe)

Drugs are something bad. Very bad. I learned that from my house life, what with my Mom and Dad having a meth lab in our backyard, to Kevin always being high off of something, to that incident with A bully trying to get Weed outta Karen.

And not to mention my 'Cheesing' problem. A.K.A. The reason I hate cats with every last piece of my soul. If Only because of the position they put me in.

But at one point, I got out of control.

I was 19 maybe... Maybe 20. I don't know, I don't care.

I had been over at Cartman's house, just Me, Him and some chick he probably paid to date him. I say this since she was fucking hot. She had an amazing rack and a pretty smile. She also wasn't bad in conversation, and I'm guessing same for sex. But I wouldn't go there with Cartman's girlfriend.

Anyways, so there we were in his living room when-

"Meow" I looked over to see a fuzzy little creature walk into the room. It's whiskers gently stroking the side of the chair he was rubbing his body against. It came up to me and looked with startling green eyes.

"Cartman!" I practically yelled at him. He knew about my incident with the cats, and promised that once Mr. Kitty died he wouldn't get another one. Mr. Kitty got in an 'accident' that turned out fatal a week or two after we made that agreement.

"He's my new Cat. Eric bought him at a shelter for me!" The girl- god I don't know her name. Let's call her... Sammy. Maybe that WAS her name.. Whatever.

"Well Eric knows very well I have a problem with cats." I spoke through gritted teeth.

"Oh Ken, are you allergic?" She seemed all concerned, and sounded very familiar when she called me 'Ken'. WAIT I REMEMBER NOW. It was Tammy. Tammy Warner. I had dated her in 4th grade. Back before my Cheesing problem.

"No... I just have some bad memories," I said with a sheepish smile. That little addicting fuzz ball was making me nervous.

"That stinks." She picked up the cat when she spoke. Cartman just laughed.

"Hey I gotta... Pee" I decided I had to get out of there for a minute. I got up and walked to the upstairs bathroom.

When I got in I splashed some water on my face and breathed.

But when I turned around, I saw my old Cheesing Machine.

The thing I had strapped the kitties in to Cheese.

"Oh God no!" I picked it up to bring it and throw it at Cartman. I ran down the stairs and there was no one there, Cept that damn cat. I was so tempted.

"Be Strong Kenny." I whispered to myself and headed toward the door. Then I heard a meow. And another. I turned to see two new cats walk into the room. Then another.

"Just one time won't hurt. Right?" I looked at a kitty hopefully. He was orange and extremely soft when I picked him up. I put him in the machine and it worked its magic.

I was back in the land of the Boobies, happy as fuck and it felt amazing. But then I came back to planet earth.

I strapped up a new Cat.

And Later another.

And another.

And another.

At that point, when I came back, I just passed out on Cartman's carpet, probably looking like a mess. My hair was probably everywhere, and I felt a cold wind against my chest, which meant I had no shirt on. Beautiful.

As I drifted off into sleep, I heard a maniacal laugh.

"Morning Kitty Queen" Cartman's voice said in a sing-songy way as he shook me.

The sound that came out my mouth was kind of like a "Whaoaaaaiiiiuuuuueeeeehahaha" And it made me feel restarted and high. Two things I probably was at that moment.

"Get out of my house druggie" Cartman said and lifted me up. He threw me out of his house and I landed somewhere in the front lawn. My ass hurt like hell when it met the snow-covered grass.

I just stayed there in a little puddle of Kenny for a while. At least until I felt like a human again. But then I just wanted to Cheese again.

I decided I'd just have a cigarette instead. Something to get my mind off of those Cats and the wonders their piss could do.

I reached for my back pockets but I had no cigarettes. My pack was empty. I had nothing to smoke, which made me very unhappy in my un-high state.

I walked towards the land-o-shit (home) and decided to ask Kevin for a cigarette. He always has 'em lying around. Those, and pipes full of god knows what. All sorts of drugs. Wonderful drugs. Wait, what am I saying? Horrible drugs. I knew that they were horrible drugs. But I had been under the illusion that they would help.

Turned out that when I asked Kevin for something to smoke, he didn't consider I just wanted a regular cigarette.

I honestly don't know what it is I had, I just no I wanted more of it and my brother would supply me with it.

Between Kevin's magic cigarettes and my Cheesing, I managed to finally be happy at that point in life.

But then one day Kyle had to ruin it.

It was probably 3 or 4 weeks after the incident at Cartman's house.

"Dude, are you okay?" Kyle being the caring bastard he is just had to give a shit about my safety. Of course.

"I'm fine" I lied. The correct answer would have been "I'm high off my ass and have been for a few weeks. Help me?" but of course, that would never be said.

"Wanna hang after school? You me and Butters?" I nodded and walked away from the Jew.

When we walked to Kyle's house after school, I started smoking the stuff Kevin gave me.

"Dude, what is that?" Kyle muttered, sniffing towards my cigarette.

"I think it's whatever Kenny's smoking" Butters gestured toward my cigarette. I took a drag.

"Ugh, ¿Que Fumas?" Kyle looked at me expectantly. Like I knew Spanish.

"It means what are you smoking," Kyle pointed out like the little Jew-nerd he was.

"Oh. I dunno. Kevin gave it to me." I smiled and took out the baggy.

"Want one?" Kyle pushed the bag out of my arms and it landed in the snow.

"Fucking Kyle!" I had yelled and knelt down to pick em up.

"Kenny, look at what you're doing to yourself!" Kyle tried to reason with me.

"Drugs are Bad blah blah blah. You Sound like Mr. Mackey" I remember mocking and backing away. I backed all the way into the middle of the street. When a car whizzed by, I felt a hand push me. The car then drove right on top of me.

Why do I feel like that death was on purpose?

When I woke up in my bed the next morning, I didn't want it anymore. I was better. I didn't feel the need to Cheese or Smoke crazy-ass cigarettes. I was me again.

I blame Kyle for me being back to normal. Somehow he knew to push me. Somehow he knew I'd get a new body. Somehow he knew it'd save me.

I bet Kyle's glad he gets the blame for that one.

A/N

YeahhZzz I actually wrote that warning.


	6. Homeless Drunk 1

HD/P1

(I decided to combine these two into a two-shot plot line... YEAH)

Warning: Drunkenness (later) and boy/boy.

My family was a family where alcohol consumption was more frequent than eating. It was pathetic. But at one point in my life, I too was sucked into being a drunk.

I believe it was a few weeks after Kyle "Accidentally" Killed me and got me back to normal.

Butters was over, because we had become pretty good friends at that point. And by pretty good friends, I meant occasional fuck-buddies.

But on the day I'm thinking of, we weren't having sex, just making out on the living room couch.

"Ken, Is this gonna be something more" Butters looked at me with those innocent eyes. He was sitting on my lap, his legs curled around my back and his arms wrapped around my neck.

"I don't know." I honestly didn't. I liked him a lot, but I also liked Bebe. I just wasn't sure. But at that moment I wanted to be with the boy on top of me.

"When are you going to?" I knew butters liked me. He wanted me as more than a friend with benefits. But I just wasn't sure.

"Maybe after another kiss?" I purred and he smiled. He leaned in and our tongues danced.

"KENNETH MCCORMICK!" I heard a yell in my mother's shrill voice scream. The exchange between Butters and I ended immediately.

"Oh Shit" I muttered.

Here's the thing- my parents aren't fond of Gays. I mean, they're not homophobic or anything, they just don't approve of any of their kids turning out that way.

So this was my poor planning's fault, I thought that my mom was out grocery shopping or something.

"YOU'RE OUT OF HERE" She yelled and pointed at me. At first I thought she was pointing at Butters, who had jumped at the sight of her and was sitting next to me shaking.

"Butters. I'd leave now if I were you," I told him in a hushed voice. He nodded and stood up silently. He went to the door and just walked out. He was shaking almost as bad as Tweek.

"You get your shit and leave," My mother screamed at me. I must have looked horrified. Because I was.

"Wh.. What?" Was all I got out.

"Leave you Faggot" She crossed her arms angrily and stared at me.

I stood up and ran to my room. I still couldn't believe what was going on. I was being fucking disowned because I made out with a guy? My life was fucked.

I grabbed my backpack, Cuz of school, and filled it with clothes, Playboys, and my wallet. Luckily, Karen wasn't at the house anymore do I didn't have to worry about her.

I ran down the stairs and walked past my mother who was standing by the couch, trying to clean it. She probably thinks Butters and I fucked on there or something. Ugh. We hadn't done that in like, over a month.

I turned to her and flipped her off, a classic Craig move, and then stormed out the door. So that was great, I was homeless.

I started to walk around; the town was small enough that I wouldn't get lost. I tried to think of where to go, I didn't really want to advertise I had been with Butters. So telling most of my friends was out of the question.

I was basically considering a cardboard box, or a homeless shelter. I decided to try shelter first, since there I would get food.

The walk to get there wasn't long, but I was trying not to be seen by anyone I knew, so it took a bit longer.

When I crossed the street, I saw a girl I recognized. My eyes widened, she was the last person I wanted to see me right now. But Of course she walked right up to me.

"Hey Ken" She smiled. She was dressed in a cute sweater and skirt, made her look hot but not slutty.

"Hi" I fake smiled at her.

"Watcha doin out right now?" She asked. I had to think of a lie fast.

"Uhh... Goin to Kyle's," I said far too fast. I had hoped that she didn't follow me there or something.

"Cool. See you tomorrow." she walked away. I could breath.

I started to walk off towards Kyle's house, do she wouldn't see through my ruse, and got about halfway there. Then I knew I couldn't actually go to Kyle's house, his mom would most certainly not let me stay there longer than a few days.

I turned around and headed towards the downtown area again, I knew I'd have to go to the fucking shelter.

When I got to the main street, I saw women in little clothing.

"Shit, Prostitutes" I looked from one slutty woman to one down the street. The one down the street had long curly blonde hair, her boobs practically out there for all to see, and boots that went up to her thighs.

She was extremely sexy, but also familiar. I took a few steps in her direction before I noticed the abandoned sweater on the ground nearby.

"Bebe?" I didn't mean to say it out loud, but as soon as I did she turned around to face me. I saw her beautiful features covered in far too much makeup.

"Kenny!" She had a startled expression on her face and she jumped backwards a little bit.

"What are you doing?" I stepped closer.

"I didn't have a choice okay? This is how we pay our fucking bills! There's my mom!" She points at an older woman dressed in similar clothing.

"Bebe..." I tried to calm her down. But she was in tears.

"I don't want to Kenny! I don't! But this is the only way.." She was crying like fucking crazy.

"I wish I could help" Was the only thing I could say.

"I wish I could stop crying so someone would pick me" She said and pulled herself away from my chest.

I simply let her go, there wasn't anything else I could do. I watched her go back to her spot and slap on a fake smile as an older man in a car drove up to her. I saw money and her get in.

It was disgusting.

I decided to keep walking to the shelter but I was getting tired. I was walking slowly and didn't notice when a car almost ran me over.

I finally stopped for a minute to rest at some corner; I was waiting for a streetlight.

Then some man came up to me in his car.

He offered me money to fuck him.

I, despite how disturbing and disgusting it was, accepted.

A/N

Cliff Hanger.

The drunkenness is in Part 2!

Idk why I did it like this, but the two ideas seemed to work well together.


	7. Homeless Drunk 2

HD/P2

A/N

Shocking part 2 to the two shot. Not the end of the story-thing though.

It was disgusting. Selling my body for money was the last thing I ever wanted to do. But I knew that I had to do it, weather for Bebe or me. I just fucking had to. At least he paid well.

As soon as I had the money, I left the apartment he had taken me to. I ran and ran until I found Bebe's house. I knocked on the door to see a tired looking Bebe. I realized it was a Monday and that she was probably getting ready for school, which I should have been doing.

"Hi Kenny." she looked down and gulped.

"Hi" I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Wanna Come in? I can drive you to school" She smiled and opened the door. Once it was closed she sat me down at a table.

"Ken, about last night, you saw me.. You can't-" But I interrupted her.

"Here" I put the money the old man gave me on the table.

"Anything to help you" I spoke.

It was six fifty-dollar bills.

"Kenny, I can't accept this! I mean, your family is worse off than mine" She just looked at the bills.

"My parents would spend it on drugs. You'd spend it on the essentials" I stood up to look at her straight in the eye.

"Kenny, I don't know what to say" She looked so helpless.

"You don't have to say anything. But I do have to say good-bye. If you could tell the Principle I'll be back in school by next week that'd be great! Bye Bebe" I knew that was the best thing to do, get out of there and try I find some money/food. I knew where I could get an old hat for donations and I looked like a wreck. I was bound to get some sympathy.

I walked around downtown until I found a good spot where there were a couple other people who looked fairly homeless.

"Is that Stuart's boy?" I heard one of the homeless men say. He sounded like he was under the influence of some alcohol. He had a scraggly beard and looked rail-thin.

"They kicked him out 'cuz he's a fag" A portly man next to him spoke. That man had a cigarette in his hand.

"Stuart said somethin bout that last night." A third man drank from some glass bottle. Probably vodka.

"Hey Kid, want a drink?" They had figured I was an alcoholic like Dad or Kevin. I was really thirsty, so I accepted.

"Sure" I had spoken timidly when I walked towards them.

The man with the beard handed me a bottle without a label.

I distinctly remembered that if something doesn't have a label, especially if it comes from homeless people, you shouldn't drink it.

But I simply thought, "Fuck it" and drank the liquid. It ha burnt in my thought, definitely vodka. But it was something.

I went back to my little spot, where my backpack was with the little money can. Some older looking lady passed me by and dropped a dollar in my can. I smiled at her, but it didn't feel right.

I didn't feel right. It felt like everything around me was wrong. Puzzle pieces some five year old jammed together when they didn't actually fit.

I saw things in a kaleidoscope.

I heard a cacophony of voices and sirens and drums and screaming.

It felt like the world was spinning.

But there was nothing I could do.

I just sat there with my can bug eyed.

For a week the pattern continued.

The men would give me some sort of alcoholic beverage, I'd get all wonky, and then I'd probably pass out.

I got some money, and I was already used to minimal eating so it wasn't too different for me.

But I figured that the people at school probably realized I'd been gone for a while.

Bebe was probably worried sick.

Butters probably felt responsible.

Kyle and Stan probably got in another fight and I wasn't there to stop them.

At that one-week mark, I felt sick to my stomach before they gave me anything. I was sick with myself, all the people I probably screwed over. I felt horrible for everything.

I needed to go home. But I couldn't.

I needed to talk to someone. But I couldn't.

"K..Kenny?" It was a voice I wasn't expecting. A voice didn't hear too often. A shaky caffeinated voice. But I knew that with that voice, there was usually anther.

"McCormick what the fuck happened?" There was that other voice. I looked up to see the two of them.

Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak.

"Hey Guys" I kind of smiled but I probably looked really fucked up. Tweek jumped back when he saw me. Craig leaned toward me and just picked me up. I think Tweek grabbed my backpack.

"Where we goin?" was the most intelligible thing I could say.

"My house. You'll be okay Kenny." Craig actually reassured me, very un-Craig. But I guess since we were pretty close, it was okay.

"Tweek, Call Bebe. And Stan. And whoever Else cares about him and tell em to come to my house" Craig's orders were sharp and short. He was like that.

I felt myself be carried for a while and I think I passed out. Well, all I know is that I woke up on Craig's bed when it was night.

Surrounding me were all the people I associated myself with. Craig, Clyde, Stan, Wendy, Bebe, Cartman, Kyle, Butters, Tweek, Even Ike was there.

"Oh my fucking god Kenny." Bebe screamed and hugged me. She must have seen I was awake.

"Dude, What happened?" That was Stan. Kyle was glaring at him. God, cant they give their fight a rest? Ever?

Butters looked very uncomfortable. He kept glancing to the side.

"I got kicked outta the house" I smiled a little bit and tried to sit up. I felt a hell of a lot better.

"Oh god, what'd you do?" Wendy crossed her arms and looked at me.

"They found out I like Men as well as Women" I simply stated. Butters definitely looked relived I didn't mention him.

"What douches" Cartman scoffed.

"Was it your Bitch Mom or Drunk Dad that said it?" Kyle looked at me when he spoke.

"My Ma" I'm pretty sure Kyle took a mental note to kick my mom's ass next chance he got. Hmm.

"Where are you gonna stay?" I think that was Clyde.

"No Idea" I looked at everyone. My two groups of friends all in one room.

"You could stay with us!" Ike said and jumped a little. That kid looked up to me, which was not a good thing. At all.

"Ever since Shelly moved out her room's vacant, it's all yours if you want it" Stan piped in. That seemed more likely to last.

"He can stay at my fucking house Stan" uh oh. Kyle was PMSing.

"I was just offering, chill" Stan didn't want to fight.

"Whatever hippie Fag" Kyle crossed his arms at that statement. Stan clenched his teeth.

"I know you are, but what am I?" Stan smiled like the Douche-troll he is. That was a fucking Kindergarten comeback. 90% of the people in the room face palmed. I didn't only because I was lying down and Bebe was still latched on to me.

"Shut up." Kyle said angrily. Everyone started to back away towards the sides of the room.

Kyle's supporters on the left and Stan's on the right. Tweek was running back and fourth and spazzing out. Typical.

"Make Me" Stan clicked his Tongue ring against his teeth.

"Do I fucking have to you Fag?" Kyle was so snarky sometimes. And Stan liked using his fists.

One punch was thrown and another and another until they were wrestling on the ground trying to strangle each other.

"I fucking hate you!" Stan yelled and threw Kyle off of him.

"Right. That's why you-"

"SHUT UP!" Stan was really pissed. But he also looked kind of... Hurt almost. Like he wanted to yell and cry at the same time.

"It's your fault" Kyle crossed his arms and stood next To Stan who was still on the floor.

"How the hell is it my fault?" Stan stood to look Kyle in the eye. Well, he was slightly taller, but he looked him MORE in the eye.

"If you weren't a fag this wouldn't be a problem"

"If you weren't a lying jerk it wouldn't either" With that comment, we all knew the fighting was over. That was probably the most revealing of their fights yet.

"Guys Calm the Fuck down. I think Kenny should just stay here for the time being, I'll keep him out of trouble" Craig spoke up and moved to the center of the room.

People nodded their heads in agreement and started to leave.

But Bebe stayed behind a minute to talk to me.

"Kenny, I was so worried when you left my house" She looked like she was going to cry.

"I'm sorry I left. But I knew I couldn't stay for long. Did the money help?" I asked her thoughtfully.

"Yes. I, I don't know how to thank you Kenny" A tear slowly slid down her face.

"You don't have to" I smiled.

"But I want to Ken, I want to" She leaned in and kissed me quickly. Just a peck, but it helped me feel better. I felt alive.

Then she got up and left.

I have had a strange taste in women.

A/N

HAHA WOW I'M HORRIBLE AT WRITING STUFF:) whatever!


	8. Boy Band

Boy Band

A/N

Here's a less unfortunate story about Kenny, In comparison to the last couple of one-shots.

Okay, so Way back in fourth grade Cartman wanted us to be a boy band (+ Wendy). We called ourselves Fingerbang. We really, really sucked. Well it actually caught on at some point.

We were probably in like, 6th grade. Maybe 7th. Well, it was before Stan and Kyle's fight. So we were all still the group of four and sometimes five. (The fifth usually being Butters)

That one day we were in some class, Spanish maybe? I don't know/care.

But Cartman passed me a note, all it said was

'Fingerbang'

I was a very horny Pre-teen (I've calmed down a little bit since then though) so of course I had simply thought he wanted me to Fingerbang him. I scribbled a response and hit him in the head with the paper.

'Really? At school?'

I heard him chuckle a little, and them the scratching of his pencil.

'No Poor Boy. I mean our little band'

When I saw that I instantly knew what the fuck he was talking about. Then it was my turn to laugh.

_'What about it?' _

_'Lets Re-Start it.'_

_'Why?'_

_'Talent show. Prize $$$$'_

When I read his last response I decided I was on board with whatever he had been planning.

After the class he decided to tell Stan and Kyle about his idea.

"Kay guys, there's a talent show. We need to win it" Cartman looked at the two boys who were standing together. I was behind him.

"With What?" Stan looked a bit confused. Kyle face-palmed.

"You want us to re-start Fingerbang, don't you?" Kyle just crossed his arms.

"Yes Kahl, yes I do. Poor-boy's on board, and we could actually get MONEY!" Cartman knew we ALL had to Do this or else it wouldn't be a good band. Well, it'd be WORSE without us all.

"Fine, Whatever." Kyle didn't even put up a big fight, that had surprised me.

Cartman had just smiled and walked off. It seemed Like Kyle and Stan wanted to talk alone, so I walked away. I ran after Cartman.

"We gonna have Wendy re-join?" I already had a feeling that it'd be a big-

"No" He smiled.

He and she-devil were having an on/off relationship in the off position at the time. It was weird being around them together.

"Who's gonna be the fifth?" I remember how big of a deal it had been to have 5 not 4 people.

"No fifth. We're gonna go the faggy four-person band route. Apparently that's what the bitches like now." We had been walking towards Cartman's locker, and just arrived.

"Bold." I said sarcastically, and he chuckled a little bit.

"Yeah well, we only have a week and a half till this Talent Show. No time for auditions/dealing with Testabitch's shit" He was pulling things out of his locker, but until he handed my white sweatshirt and orange head-tie thing did I realize what he had.

"You made us new threads?" I hadn't had new clothes in a couple months. That had made my day.

"Yeah, they are based on the old ones. I'll get these to Jew and Pussy" Cartman slammed his locker shut, holding two plastic bags with clothing in them.

"How'd you know we'd say yes to all this?" I was fucking curious.

"I wouldn't let you guys say no" He smiled his devious smile and walked towards the classroom we had left Stan and Kyle at.

That definitely seemed like Cartman, he had everything planned out.

I had walked home that day with the outfit in my backpack, to meet Karen playing with Ruby. The two of them giggled when I walked in.

"What's so funny?" I smiled at the two little girls.

"Kenny, Ruby's got a crush!" Karen squealed and her friend pushed her.

I decided to act like them.

"OH MY GOSH WHO?" I did a little jump and used a very, very gay voice.

"Kyle!" Karen laughed. Ruby blushed and looked angry.

"Ooooooo I'm gonna tell hiiiiiim" I used a sassy gay voice that time.

"Don't! Don't! Don't!" Ruby stood up and ran right to me.

"Fine..." I rolled my eyes. The two of them always had crushes on kids in my grade. I enjoy humoring them.

"Thank you Kenny" Ruby hugged my waist and then went back to Karen. I laughed a little.

"Hey, if you want to see Kyle you should totally come see our band perform in a couple weeks!" I smiled and Ruby's face got all red and smiley.

"We can start a fan club!" Karen squealed.

At that point I walked up the stairs to my room.

As soon as I got there my cell phone rang. How I got a cell phone? I have great friends.

"Hello" I knew it'd either be Cartman or Kyle or Stan. They're like, the only ones who called me at that point in my life.

"Okay, yew gotta come to my house now. Bring your shit and sleepover. We're going to have a late night" I knew this somehow had to do with Fingerbang.

"Are the others gonna be there?"

"I'm gonna call them. Be here in 10" Then Cartman hung up on me. I looked at the phone and sighed.

At least if I was going over there, I'd get to eat.

I packed up my various shit and the Fingerbang clothes into a backpack and then ran by my Mom.

"I'm sleeping over at Cartman's" It wasn't a question, it was just a statement.

I ran out the door before hearing her response and I walked the short walk to The Cartman House.

Along the way there I ran into Tweek who was being chased by a dog, Craig who was trying to catch the dog, and Bebe who was looking hot as usual.

But she was more Cute than Hot back then.

But I kept walking along the broken pieces of sidewalk until I got to Casa De Cartman.

I didn't bother ringing the doorbell and I just walked in.

His mom was in the kitchen, baking something.

"Hi honey, Cartman's downstairs with all your other little friends."

I was shocked to hear they were already there, but I headed down the stairs anyways.

"OKAY NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE LET'S GET STARTED." Cartman was already in his outfit, and Stan and Kyle already looked annoyed beyond belief.

"If everyone could get into their outfits, and then we'll start singing. I wrote a newer version of the song for us to sing."

The three of us who weren't fat Asses all rolled our eyes and walked toward the bathroom, bags in hand.

"We agreed to this because...?" Stan asked.

"Money?"

"Because he'd force us to do it if we don't comply." Kyle said, using his I'm-PMSing-and-pissed-about-it voice.

"Oh Yeah."

**-Night Of The Show-**

"Okay bitches, are you guys ready?" We were at some local stage in some park, sitting behind the big curtain in our little group.

Karen and Ruby were wearing matching T-shirts with all our faces on them, and several kids from school were getting ready to film this 'disaster'.

"Yep." I smiled at Cartman.

"Whatever." Kyle rolled his eyes.

"Let's do this." Stan smiled like I did.

"THEN LET'S GO!" Cartman stepped into the stage and turned on his head mic.

"Hello all. This band is called Fingerbang. And we are going to blow you guys away!"

I giggled at that (Horny kid me) and then we all took our positions.

The four of us wee in a line, facing the back of the stage.

Cartman sang the first line.

_"Fingerbang"_

He turned around and made a fake gun with his hands.

"Bang Bang"

That was Kyle, who's next to him. He turned around doing the same thing with his hands

_"Fingerbang bang"_

Me and Stan said the line together and both turned around.

Then we all sang a line.

_"Bang bang bang bang"_

Cartman took over.

_"I'm gonna Fingerbang bang you"_

All of us again.

"Into my life!"

Then Cartman pushed the rest of us out of his way and walked to the center.

_"Girl you wanna Fingerbang and that's all right!"_

Kyle stepped up and pushed Cartman to sing a line.

_"Girl you wanna Fingerbang every night"_

Stan went up to Kyle and joined him.

_"Every night"_

Then I sang something.

_"Night night"_

Then the three of us.

_"Every night night"_

Then Cartman knocked us all over to sing by himself.

_"Night night night_

_I'm gonna Fingerbang bang bang you"_

We all joined in.

_"Into my life,_

_I'm gonna Fingerbang bang you every night"_

Cartman stepped in front of us and sang a line.

_"Girl, you know I'm the one for you. "_

Then Kyle sang a line, after pushing Cartman aside.

_"Girl, you know I'm gonna Fingerbang you"_

Stan sang a line:

_"Girl, we're Fingerbang every night"_

Then Me.

_"And girl, IT'S GONNA BE ALRIGHT"_

Cartman.

_"Cuz I'm"_

Kyle.

_"The King"_

Stan.

_"Of Finger"_

Me.

_"Banging."_

All of us.

_"Fingerbanging"_

We sang the rest together

_"Fingerbang"_

Slowly walking until we were in one line.

_"Bang Bang"_

Making the little guns with our hands.

_"Fingerbang bang"_

Spinning around making gun sounds.

_"Bang bang bang bang"_

Fighting over spotlights.

_"I'm gonna Fingerbang bang you"_

Singing the love song threateningly.

_"Into my life!"_

Enjoying every minute of it.

"Girl, Let's Fingerbang"

Until it's almost over.

_"EVERY NIGHT"_

And everyone applauded.

I felt like I was on top of the world, with a whole audience of people we've known our whole lives laughing and clapping for us.

Cartman had that I-Knew-this-was-a-good-idea smirk on his face.

Kyle looked surprised.

Stan looked like he wanted to go hide in a corner because of all the attention.

I was probably grinning like an idiot.

"I think we all know who the winners are!" Ex-Principle Victoria (she quit being a principle by the time we all left South Park Elementary) said and jumped on the stage.

She was holding a huge trophy and at least $100 if not more.

"FINGERBANG!"

The four of us all hugged the trophy and Cartman grabbed the money. We ran off the stage and just laughed about it.

Everything went okay. Nothing exploded and we actually won.

The video of our performance went up on YouTube and became somewhat of a viral-video for a week or two.

We actually felt the Boy-band experience.

A/N

Sorry this took soooo looong.

I had lost inspiration for this story; and then got busy and forgot about it.

But I suddenly remembered it and got ideas so I will try to steadily update these one shots.

There's really only going to be a couple more, but I'm going to write them!


End file.
